A gap between knowing and feeling

I liked a senpai at work place.

We had a genuine conversation once. I felt comfortable and shared a lot around her, because somehow her vibe makes me feel at ease, and that kind of safety feeling doesn’t usually come for me. After that, I trusted her more and even shared something vulnerable. It was a down moment where I told her I didn’t know how to make things work with people. Her response was beautiful. She didn’t offer advice. She just listened, shared a bit, told me to keep going. After that moment, I was so curious about her. A few days later, I texted her wondering what does she do in the evenings and, now looking back, she didn’t share much, not at the same curiosity level as I did. But she does reply. I asked her to hang out sometimes. Got rejected. She said “Don’t put expectations on me. We are just colleagues”. I’m not sure if I moved too fast. And I respect her boundary and well, I stopped contacting her. Later on I realized that I don’t know her that much. Just her name and all. That was the whole real story.

But my mind didn’t stop. It tries to bring hope every time we have small interactions, with all of the imagination. I realized that it’s not practical, my mind knows that. The healthiest version of a relationship should be two people walking toward each other. And probably it would be easier if things are like that. But my heart won’t. Theorically it’s my mind too but well, let’s say it’s my heart. It’s keep hoping, it’s keep wondering. again, and again, at lonely moments, at down times of days, for a really long time, like, months later.

When someone at the club does something nice, and people start shipping them. And my first reaction isn’t “good for him.” It’s “am I not enough?”… that kind of thoughts are really devastating, bringing down the mood.

Then I looked back on the past. There were things that are similar too. Some left deep feelings. There are moments triggering those old wounds, the greatly disappointments of failure, shame, self-hatred, and all. But they are lighter, with time, for me luckily. The best idea I could come with is, sitting down with it. Don’t really discard it. Even the gap between the knowings and the feelings is still there, time could heal. And when there are better things come, one, even with scars in the heart, will still be brave enough to open his heart, again.

That’s the only way I know. Keep moving forward even if life is messy.