Wanting to be seen

I texted the senpai I used to like late at night. Not for any reason really. Just tired after a long day, wanted to chat a bit since being around her has always brought me a bit fun and ggood memories so. She was playful at first, told me to just ask straight. So I gave it a shot. Being vulnerable and told her a story about hurting someone and not knowing how to apologize properly. About feeling guilty and frozen. About being seen and accepted. About wanting to understand how someone more mature than me sees the world.

And her first reaction was, “Have you apologized?”. Then “Why can’t you feel natural apologizing?” “You should learn to look inward.” “People will be forgiving when you become better.”

Probably everything she said was all true. And I felt… nothing except a deep sadness. Felt like she pushed me away. Even though she put effort into that at late 12am. It’s not like, they ain’t good advices, nor she was wrong at anything but… my question wasn’t really a question.

I thought about what I actually wanted from that conversation. And I realized that to match an opening heart, the only thing you could do to bring bone is being open the same way.

I’ve pondered about what would’ve felt right. In another world, her voice could have been like this:

“I get that feeling. I also hurt someone before and didn’t know what to do after. Not on a court, but same thing. Knew I was wrong, stood there, couldn’t say anything. And the longer I waited the harder it got to say the words. The silence just grew bigger every day.

That guy who told you to just show up and apologize if things go wrong. That must’ve felt light right? Like someone giving you permission to be imperfect. I had someone say something like that to me once. I cried and I didn’t even know why.

You said you’ve been thinking about quitting for a while. So it’s not really about hitting someone is it? It’s something bigger?”

No advice. No “you should.” Just, I’ve been there too, and I’m open with you. “I see you”.

I don’t feel like giving or receiving advices would create connection. I want to see people. And be seen.